Not in That Way
by Derp-For-Homestuck
Summary: And I hate to say I love you. When its so hard for me. And I hate to say I want you. When you make it so clear, you don't want me. I'd never ask you 'cause deep down, I'm certain I'd know what you'd say. You'd say I'm sorry, believe me, I love you. Just not in that way. (JohnDave) [Second chapter is thanks to Ticci Tabbi]
1. Chapter 1

_And I hate_

_To say I love you. _

_When its so hard for me._

_And I hate_

_To say I want you._

_When you make it so clear, _

_You don't want me._

_I'd never ask you_

_Cause deep down,_

_I'm certain I'd know what you'd say._

_You'd say I'm sorry, _

_Believe me,_

_I love you._

_Just not in that way._

...

He stands there, smiling at her with the brightest fucking smile on his dorky little face. She smiles back at him just as brightly and just as happily. You restrain the scowl that threatens to break your face open.

You keep your cool and even manage to fake a small smile when he glances at you. It's a fleeting glance, because at that very moment she starts her way down towards the two of you.

Her dress billows around her in a way that makes her look like an angel. And she really is, to him. Her hair is clipped up in a bun and her short little bangs are curling around her face. It frames her stunning blue eyes perfectly and you let out a sigh.

She's perfect for him.

You look over to him and notice his breath hitch in his throat. This really is it. No turning back from it now. They were doing this, they were making it happen.

And you just wanted to go home and drink Apple Juice until you explode.

He probably wouldn't even notice, he's too captivated by her in that stupid dress.

You find yourself wondering why you even came to this stupid prom. Then he smiles at you again and you remember.

That's right, because this dork asked you to be there. For moral support or something.

You smile at her when she finally reaches the two of you. She doesn't even look at you, she's too busy staring at John.

To be honest, you would be too, he looks fantastic in a suit.

"I think I'll leave you two lovebirds alone for a little bit." You mutter with a fake smile on your face. John waves you off, too busy gazing at his date to notice your leaving. You roll your eyes and walk away.

They really are perfect together.

So perfect it makes your heart hurt. So much.

Its stupid, so stupid. You hear the way he laughs with her, jokes with her, talks with her, plan with her, pranks with her, fucking works with her, and you KNOW its only her.

You're pretty sure you never had a chance to compete against someone like her. Shes just too perfect in every way.

You never ask him, because deep down you know what he'd say. He'd say he's sorry, he loves you, but just not in that way. He's not a homosexual Dave, get over it.

Rose would rub your back lovingly for awhile and let you cry silently into her shoulder.

You can't believe you fell for him. Him of all people.

...

"Dave! Oh my god, tonight was AMAZING!" he shouts on the way home. You roll your eyes and hold back a sob. He's just so happy. "It would have been more fun with you there though." he mumbles after a moment.

You glance over at him and allow yourself a small smile.

"What? And risk ruining your perfect date with the perfect girl? No way!" You fake a laugh at his reddened face and try to focus on driving.

"She's...not really my type..." he mumbles softly. You almost stop the car.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHES NOT YOUR TYPE?!" You shout at him when you pull into the nearest gas station. The hell she isn't, you spent over a week trying to get that girl to go out with him. He flinches and shrugs.

You thought they were perfect together, you thought she was the one for him. You guess you were wrong.

"I kinda like a different girl anyways." he whispers with his hands held up defensively. Whatever hope that had somehow managed to swell back into your heart deflated back again and you start to pull back out into traffic.

"So...what's her name?" You ask, only after you feel you have calmed down enough. He smiles fondly and shrugs.

"Not telling." he says. You roll your eyes and focus on the road. You grip the wheel so tight your knuckles turn white and your vision blurs slightly with tears. You blink them back though.

...

She has stunning green eyes. Her hair is a strawberry blonde with streaks of forest green running through them.

You're taking them to the movies, because John still can't drive yet. You let out a sigh when she gets in the car and smiles at you.

"Hi Dave! I've heard SO much about you!" she cheers at you. John blushes and hides his face in his hands.

"I knew this was a bad idea." he mumbles. She laughs at that, and her laugh is a squeaky thing that hurts your ears slightly. He winces at it as well and you call it right then and there this date is doing to crash and burn.

...

This one is shorter than him, and she has medium blonde hair that curls at the ends. Her eyes are hazel and have a depth to them you haven't seen in the other girls.

She doesn't smile when you pick her up, she remains with a cool face and mono-tone voice. She kinda reminds you of yourself, and a little bit of your sister Rose.

You are beginning to think John may have a crush on your sister. Every girl he has taken out has been blonde and looks a lot like her.

"Hi, my name is Diana." she mumbles as you start the car back up. John smiles at her sweetly and you almost cringe. Diana notices this and her whole face changes. She smiles knowingly at you and tells John she doesn't think it will work out.

He almost seems relieved at that.

...

He goes back out with Angie the third time she asks. She still looks as stunning as the day of prom and you flinch when he tells you the news.

"I don't want to, but she keeps asking me!" he complains on the way to get her. You roll your eyes and give a shrug. By now, you have gone numb and can't feel the pain anymore.

You knew from the start it was never going to work out. You just seriously need to come to terms with that now.

...

He doesn't go out with Angie again after that, saying something like shes too clingy.

...

You are starting to see a very familiar pattern in the girls he chooses to go out with.

They are all blonde, but every single one of them have had a different eye colour. You think he has it bad for your sister. You decided to call him out on it one day.

"John, are you crushing on Lalonde?"

His face is aflame at your question.

"To be truthful, yea I kinda am..." he mumbles after a moment. You sigh and pat his shoulder.

"Dude, you know she's gay right?"

"Yea..."

"Okay, as long as you know what you're getting yourself into." you tell him, knowing how he feels. Liking someone who you can never have fucking hurts.

You would know.

...

He's stopped dating for awhile, he has decided it's just not for him.

You don't know whether to jump for joy or curl into a ball and cry.

...

You start to avoid him.

He keeps talking about girls.

It makes you uncomfortable, so you start to make up excuses to get away from him.

At first it hurts, a lot. But you get used to this hurt just like you did the other and soon you are numb to this pain as well.

...

"Dave, are you avoiding me?" he jokes into the phone. You shrug and hang up, knowing he got his answer.

He calls you back again, and you don't have the heart to answer.

You decide to instead call Rose.

You dial her number and wait a few minutes before he goes to voice-mail.

"Hello, you have reached Rose Lalonde, I am currently occupied with an activity that is demanding my attention in such that I cannot reach the phone. Please leave a message after the tone." her mono-tone voice sounds.

You take in a deep breath and wait.

"Hey Rosey, it's Dave. Yep, just call me when you get the chance man. You know, when you're not mackin on your girlfriend and such."

You wonder what Dirk is up to.

You dial his number next and it only rings twice.

"Yo."

"Hey man, what's up?" you ask. You can faintly hear the sound of metal on metal in the background and you instantly know the answer.

"Oh nothing. Just messing with Jack." he breaths into the phone. You nod and hang up wordlessly, knowing he has already done the same.

...

The months almost pass by in a blur and suddenly you stand at graduation with a diploma in hand. John's buck toothed smile stares back at you and you can't help the tears that stream down your face.

"Oh my god! Dave, you're crying!" he shouts suddenly, rushing over to you and throwing his arms around your shoulders.

"No shit John." you whisper into his hair. He smells like rain. You like the way he smells.

This only makes you cry harder.

...

The boxes aren't really all that heavy, but you complain nonetheless. Of course, it's all your shit anyways, so it doesn't really matter how much you complain. It all needs to get moved.

You kind of like your new apartment, no smuppets. But it doesn't smell like your home, and that kinda depresses you. Just a little.

Taking a rest on the bed you brought in, you stare at the ceiling and cry when you somehow make out Johns face in the dots.

You decide you will go job hunting tomorrow. Get your mind off things.

...

"Strider, what the fuck are you doing?" Karkat is grumbling at you again, but you can't hear him all that well over the sound of your sick beats.

"Chill, Karks." you tell him. He rolls his eyes and goes back to waiting on the idiots that come in to the restaurant.

The manager is a nice girl, you think. Her and her twin brother run the shop.

You have never seen the two in the same room together at once. They do not like each other very much.

Sometimes you wonder if they are the same person.

...

"Dave, can I see you in my office real quick?" she asks one day and heads to the dark room without waiting for your answer.

"Yo."

"Dave, you and I both know this wasn't your first pick for a job." she says. You shake your head slowly, cautiously as you walk in the door. You shrug and she sighs. "It's okay to admit, I already know that."

"Sure." you tell her. She smiles and points to the chair across from her desk. You sit and almost start crying when she speaks again.

"I know about John."

...

"Dave, could you go in the back and get some more records for the display case?" Max asks loudly. You look up at him in confusion and see him frantically motioning for you to leave. You look behind him and burst into a sprint to the back room.

You were trying to get over him.

What is he doing here?

...

John has come into your work everyday for the past week and you are slowly getting tired of it.

You had moved away two years ago for a reason, and you do not wish for a repeat.

Karkat is waiting for you in the back room today.

"Hey asshole, come here for a sec." he grumbles at you. His arms are crossed over his chest and he scowls at you.

"What up?"

He figdies with the cuffs of his long sleeve work shirt and his face flushes.

"I need...advice..." he mumbles finally. You stare at him surprised for a few seconds before laughing. "No, shut up, for real."

"On what?" you know the answer, you just want him to actually say it out loud. In the middle of your musing about it, though, you almost miss him say it.

"...guys..." he mumbles.

"Come again?"

"I FUCKING SAID GUYS!"

"No need to shout." you chuckle at his flushed face and shake your head. "What about them?"

"How do you deal with it? Knowing you can never have someone?" his question startles you, and you stare at him stupidly for about 3 minutes before snapping out of it and shaking your head sadly.

"You don't."

...

"DAVE! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE DUDE!" he shouts through the door. You rush to your room and shut the door before collapsing on the floor in a heap of tears.

He goes away an hour later, but you are still crying on the floor. You call in sick for the day and Maria understands.

You thank her and spend the day on the floor.

It would have been fine, but he shows up later in the day and starts trying to talk to you again.

"Dave, come on. Please answer me at least." he asks, and you think you almost hear a sob. You blink away more tears and shake your head to yourself.

You won't let him do this to you anymore.

"Dave, p-please. I can't say this through a door." he cries. You feel your heart tug and you force yourself to stay where you are. "Dave fucking Strider, I swear to god!" he shouts after another moment of silence.

You wait for his next outburst, but none comes. You think maybe he left and stand slowly. Flash-stepping to the door, you open it a crack and he lunges at you.

"DAVE!" he cries into your shoulder and you stumbled back. You both topple to the floor and he lands with an oof on top of you.

"John, what the hell." you mutter painfully. He starts crying again and you feel that same tug at your heart.

"Dave, I missed you so goddamn much." he sobs. You cry with him and nuzzle his hair as more sobs tear from your throat.

"I missed you too you stupid idiot. I missed you so much it hurt. John I missed you. I missed you. I missed you so fucking much John. Oh my god I missed you. I love you John, I missed you so much." you cry harder, but push him away and off of you the moment you realize what you said.

"You...wait..what?"

_I'd never ask you_

_Cause deep down,_

_I'm certain I'd know what you'd say._

_You'd say I'm sorry,_

_Believe me,_

_I love you._

_Just not in that way._

**...**

****The song is not mine, it's by a dude called Sam Smith and it's called Not in That Way. I was listening to this while I wrote the thing.****

****Tada? It kind of has an open ending, I thought you could use your imagination for that! Yay!****

****Okay whatever, I just suck at writing.****

****Review?****


	2. Chapter 2

_I've written songs to tell you_

_the special way I feel,_

_but I clouded up the meanings_

_with words that were not real._

_I've come to this conclusion: _

_there's just one thing to do_

_Come right out and tell you _

_honestly and true_

_I've always loved you, _

_I always will_

_I've always loved you_

_and love you still._

...

She's walking towards you, and god does she look stupid in that frilly little dress she has on. You still can't believe Dave talked her into going with you; you were honestly kidding when you said you wanted to go with her.

She smiles at you and well, you have to smile back. Who can resist smiling on a night like tonight?

You can see Dave out of the corner of your eyes and dear lord it is taking all your strength not to jump him. Of course, that would be bad. You are not a homosexual, after all.

Well, you are. But that's not the point.

"I think I'll leave you two lovebirds alone for a little bit." you hear him mutter beside you. God, even his voice is perfect tonight. Or maybe that's just you hearing things. You wave to him so he knows you heard him and watch him leave.

It's ten seconds later when you realize what he just said and what just happened.

He just left you alone on Prom night.

Well, you have a date, but you don't really like her. Or, just not the way you like Dave.

"Shall we go dance?" she asks you, fluttering her eyelashes. You inwardly groan at that, but smile and nod to her anyways. Might as well make the most of tonight.

...

"Dave! Oh my god, tonight was AMAZING!" you shout to him the very moment you seat yourself in his truck. You love this truck. You wait just a beat before mumbling, "It would have been more fun with you there though." you half hope he doesn't hear you.

He does, and you can tell because he smiles a little. You like it when he smiles.

"What? And risk ruining your perfect date with the perfect girl? No way!" he laughs. Laughs at you.

You can feel your face heating up. He doesn't realize how much you care about him.

"She's...not really my type..." you don't even notice that you said that until the truck jerks a little bit.

Then he pulls into a gas station.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHES NOT YOUR TYPE?!" he yells at you. You look down and frown at your pants.

You would tell him the real reason why she's not your type, being as she's a girl, but you can't. You can't just tell him that you're in love with your straight best friend. He would never talk to you again.

You realize you still haven't said anything and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

"I kinda like a different guy anyways." you raise your hands up defensively and pray he didn't hear that little slip up. He doesn't seem to have heard it and you let out a sigh of relief.

"So...what's her name?" he asks. You smile at that, and just shrug. It's not like he's ever going to find out anyways. That's fine with you. He doesn't need to know. As long as he still thinks your straight, he can't never get suspisious of your feelings.

"Not telling." you tell him.

You don't notice the single tear that rolls down his face.

...

You tell Angie that it's not working out and decide to ask out Amy. She's a nice girl, and you know that she likes you.

You hate doing this, really you do. But what else are you supposed to do?

She has stunning green eyes; they aren't bad looking, but you don't really care for the color green that much. Her hair is a strawberry blonde with streaks of forest green running through them, but you wish it was platinum blond.

She wears a short pink skirt and a fluffy white blouse. But you wish they were jeans and a long sleeve red shirt. Her chest is a little big, and you can't help but wish they weren't even there.

You wish she was Dave.

You feel your face heat the moment you realize what you just thought and hide your face in your hands so they don't see it.

"I knew this was a bad idea." you hear yourself mumble. She laughs, and god do you hate her laugh.

...

Amy dumped you, and you think it might have something to do with the fact that you never shut up about Dave. You don't tell him that she dumped you, but you think he knows.

Everyone does.

...

Diana is shorter, and you wish she was taller. Her hair is almost the same shade of blonde, but it's just not the same. Her eyes are a hazel color, and it just doesn't suit what you think Dave's eyes look like.

You've never seen them, so you wouldn't know.

Dave looks her over when he picks her up, and you can't help but worry that he might be catching on to the fact that you like him.

Diana reminds you a lot of Dave, so you think this might actually go pretty well.

"Hi, my name is Diana." she says quietly. She really, really reminds you of Dave and you can't help but smile.

And then she says something that makes your smile drop and a sigh of relief to fall out.

"You know, John. I don't really think this, whatever it is, will work out."

...

Angie keeps asking you to give her another chance. That she can change if she did something wrong. You know that Dave doesn't like her very much, but she just keeps pestering you about it.

"I don't want to, but she keeps asking me!" you shout. He doesn't seem to care all that much and you decide that maybe you shouldn't either.

Sometimes, you just wish he would care though. Make this stupid crush thing not so one-sided.

...

You are having a hard time trying to keep your crush on Dave a secret. Jade knows know, and Rose has known since the 4th grade.

You know he's on to you when he turns to you one day. You just know what he's about to ask.

"John, are you crushing on Lalonde?" he asks. You blink twice, confused for a moment.

And then you realize he doesn't know yet and that you're still safe.

"To be truthful, yea I kinda am..." you lie, knowing he'll drop it after a while.

"Dude, you know she's gay right?" he says softly. You almost smile at that, because yes, you know. And she knows that you are too.

"Yea..."

"Okay, as long as you know what you're getting yourself into."

...

"Dave, I don't think I'm cut out for dating." you tell him. You've been trying to get up enough courage to tell him this for a week now.

"Huh? You think?" he asks, turning his face towards you.

"Yeah."

...

He's avoiding you.

At first, you thought maybe he was just really busy, but now you know.

"Dave, are you avoiding me?" you ask, just to make sure. You hear a click and the line does dead.

You start to cry, and try to call him back again, but he doesn't answer.

You don't really know what you did, and you are starting to think maybe he found out that you fell in love with him.

He doesn't feel the same, you know that. You KNEW that.

...

As you watch the caps from graduation flout back to the ground, you notice a pair of shades in the flood of people. You smile at him, and then you notice he's crying.

"Oh my god! Dave, you're crying!" you push past the bodies in your way and pull him into a hug.

"No shit John." his voice wavers and you start to cry with him. You love this idiot. Why he's crying, you don't know. But you don't mind so much, because you get to hold him close, and nuzzle his hair. Breathing in the scent that is just purely Dave.

...

"Hi Dirk!" you smile up at the older Strider. You can't help but admire his good looks, he does look a lot like Dave. Only, he's not Dave. He's Dirk. Still attractive, though.

"Hey shorty. Dave isn't here. Didn't you hear?" he tell you. You tilt your head to one side in confusion. Hear what? What could there have been for you to hear? "Dave moved, dude."

You feel tears pooling in your eyes when that sentence registers.

"Wh-what?" you stutter.

Of all the people that know you fell for Dave, Dirk has to be the most caring. He scoops you up in a hug and carries you to Dave's room.

A lot of his stuff is still here.

Dirk leaves you to yourself, and don't notice until now that you are still crying.

An old shirt of Dave's lays forgotten in the middle of the room and you hug it to your chest. It still smells like him, and damn it you can't believe he didn't tell you he was moving.

...

He won't return your calls, and Dirk has stopped letting you stay over in Dave's room. You think you are overreacting to this, but maybe you aren't.

You don't know what you did, but you think maybe he's just really weirded out by the fact you fell for him. Well, who wouldn't be?

He is straight, after all.

...

Dirk wanted you to be here for some reason. You aren't sure why, but you don't want to upset the older Strider. So here you are, waiting.

"Hi, uh...are you John?" someone asks, and you look up to see a boy around your age in a wheelchair. Now that you think about it, he looks kinda familier.

"Tavros?" you question, not completely sure if it really is your friend. He looks up at you and smiles slightly.

"John...uh, Edbert?"

"Hey!" you pull him into a one-armed hug that he returns.

"Hey, uh...meet my friend Karkat..." Tavros lets go of you, and motions to a short kid scowling next to him.

"I am not your fucking friend." he mumbles. You wince at his tone, but Tavros just laughs. "My name is Karkat Vantas, and I don't fucking want to be here."

You smile at him and his face goes red. It's adorable, he looks so young.

You wonder how old he is.

"Karkat here works with our old friend Dave. His father, Slick, works with my dad." Tavros explains. You stop, almost choking on air.

"You work with Dave?!" you shout the question at Karkat.

"Yeah, so what?"

"Can I see him?!"

...

"Is...is Dave here?" you ask the girl working at the counter. She looks up at you and smiles.

"Sorry babe, no. He's out for a bit." she tells you. You decide to ignore the fact she called you 'babe' for no reason, and walk out.

...

"Hi...is Dave working today?" you ask, confused. You thought the cafe was run by a female, but the person in front of you is most deffinetly male.

"No. Get out." he tells you. His voice almost sounds the same as her's, but a lot deeper, and gruffer. Almost like he yells a lot.

"Could you tell him I came by?"

He glares at you, and you take that as your cue to leave.

...

"DAVE! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE DUDE!" you yell, trying to get him to come out. He doesn't, and you question whether or not he even heard you. It's possible he didn't.

You walk down the steps of his apartment and sit down at the very bottom.

You don't even remember falling asleep until someone pokes you awake.

"Oi, get up."

"Hmmm...?" you crack open your eyes and come face to face with they guy from the cafe. He glares down at you, and you shuffle to your feet.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asks, sounding tired. You shrug, and move out of his way. He sighs and you look back up at him. "He should be awake by now, but you should know...You need to go home at least once. You slept on the stairs last night."

...

"Dave, come on. Please answer me at least." you hope he doesn't hear the waver in your voice as you speak. You knock once more, just for good measure.

You don't hear him moving at all. You hope he can at least hear you.

"Dave, p-please. I can't say this through a door." you hear the stutter, and you pray he doesn't.

Still more silence.

"Dave fucking Strider, I swear to god!" you shout again, holding as much resolve as possible.

You feel the growing lump in your throat, and almost turn to leave when you see the door open just a bit. Taking your chance, you push it all the way open and wrap your arms around him.

"DAVE!" you are heavier then you thought, because he falls back onto the floor and you fall after him. Normally, you would be embarrassed, but you can't bring yourself to care all that much right now, because you can finally seem him, and talk to him.

"John, what the hell." he says.

You start to cry again, like the big baby you are.

"Dave, I missed you so goddamn much." you sound stupid, but you don't care. You missed this asshole. So fucking much.

"I missed you too you stupid idiot. I missed you so much it hurt. John I missed you. I missed you. I missed you so fucking much John. Oh my god I missed you. I love you John, I missed you so much." he's still crying when he pushes you away from him.

It takes a moment before what he said sinks in.

"You...wait..what?"

"Uh...shit." he mutters, running a hand through his hair.

And holly fuck, he's not wearing his shades.

His eyes are red.

Fucking red.

And they're perfect.

"Dave...Dave, your eyes..." you stare, mystified by the gorgeous color, and he shouts.

"Shit!"

"Dave, I love your eyes...Dave...I love you too." you're still staring at his eyes, when you notice he's crying again.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

You shake your head, smiling brightly. He smiles back.

You aren't sure who moves first, exactly. But at some point, you both lunged for each other.

You've kissed people before. There was even that time with Karkat, when you were drunk. Of course, he wouldn't talk to you for a week after that, but you made up. He just reminded you of Dave and, well you were drunk.

But this, this kiss. This is perfect.

Your lips move in sync and mold together like they were made for this. It's perfect, and god have you been missing out on this.

_I borrow from the poets clever ways to say, but_

_things that mean the most are said in simple ways._

_I've always loved you, I always will_

_I've always loved you and love you still._

_I've been trying so long, but saying it all wrong_

_The way I feel-that I've always loved you._

...

**So there's that. A truly happy ending. Thanks to Ticci Tabbi for the review that made me want to do this! I hope you like it!**

**Also, my sister gave me the idea to use this song. Apparently she heard in it a movie or something and loved it. **

**It's called I've Always Loved You by Bobby Vinton.**

**So yeah. There you go. **


End file.
